Fumbling Forward When We’re Asked Hard Questions
I don’t know how it works at your house, but at ours, it seems like most of our deep theological conversations happen past bedtimes.
Usually, its on the hottest, most exhausting, long days, when parents and kids are toasty and tired and jusstt about to turn out the light.
Yesterday was one of those days for us. We brought our oldest home from her first church camp experience, and I had expected some faith questions, just not at 10:30 pm.
The conversation’s topic doesn’t really matter but suffice it to say it was one of those controversial topics where believers have a wide variety of beliefs and strongly held opinions, one that has caused conflict in our own family before. One about the Bible and truth and history…
Perfect for getting ready to sleep.
It’s a topic we had talked about before, and I thought my daughter had known how we looked at this particular topic, so I answered her question quickly. Only to open up about twenty more questions before we finally turned off the lamp.
More than once she said, “This is confusing. I don’t understand. Wait, so you’re saying __ isn’t real? How do you know what’s true, then?”
Finally near tears, she said, “Well, I don’t know what to believe then!”
I fumbled through my answers, feeling inadequate and tired, frustrated I had brought up ideas she might not be ready to comprehend, pushing back panic that I might be harming her faith instead of helping.
So, I said, “Does it make you feel unsettled to hear something different than you originally thought?” She nodded in relief, and I shared how these kinds of questions make me feel unsettled sometimes, too, especially as some of my beliefs changed over the years. It’s not comfortable! But she wasn’t alone. We were learning together.
From other conversations like these, I want to share five dos and don’ts I’ve found helpful when big questions arise, and we’re not sure what’s right to do or say.
DO acknowledge that some questions are BIG, and that many people looking at the same topic can have very different beliefs, even among the family of God. We have tried to keep our voices neutral and say, “Well, Nana and Papa believe _______ about _____. Our Eritrean neighbor’s who go to an orthodox church believe______. To some people it’s really important that ______ be true and to other people, it’s more of a gray area. Our family (or our church family) teaches that ______.”
I realize this can feel like rejecting absolute truth. But before anyone calls in an Inquisitor, I like to remember what Gregory Boyd lays out in his book Benefit of the Doubt: Breaking the Idol of Certainty, that there are circles of importance…at the center is dogma really essential beliefs like those in the creeds. Next is doctrine which is what our denominations or historical Christianity teaches that’s important but varies. Finally is opinion that can range from dress to ideas of how to engage in the world or which version of a text is supreme. Most of the questions my kids ask are in the doctrine and opinion categories, and I want them to be able to respect and listen to other believers because they are a part of a really big family, held together most importantly by Jesus and his ways.
Also from Boyd’s book is the phrase we’ve adopted: “I tend to believe ___ or I lean towards ___ but I could be wrong.” I like how this allows us to assert our family’s dearly held beliefs but also be humble enough to say we might not have the whole picture.
2. DON’T feel like these faith conversations have to be “one-and-done” kind of deals. Our kids don’t need definitive answers as much as they need dialogue, dreaming, debate, and descriptions from all areas of life and experience.
In 1960 cognitive theorist Jerome Bruner shared his “spiral curriculum,” a learning strategy for adding complexity over time.
Three of the components of the approach are that learning should be
“Cyclical: Students should return to the same topic several times throughout their school career;
Increasing Depth: Each time a student returns to the topic it should be learned at a deeper level and explore more complexity;
Prior Knowledge: A student’s prior knowledge should be utilized when a topic is returned to so that they build from their foundations rather than starting anew. “Footnote here
I love this approach to faith conversations with kids. I told my daughter last night, “It’s okay to be confused. This is not something we have to figure out tonight. We can keep learning and talking about this more and again. It’s something we can figure out together.”
3. DO teach about the different ways the Bible is put together. Learn together about different genres, cultural contexts, authors, and translations.
You don’t have to be a scholar to do this. There are some amazing resources out there. The Bible Project is one incredible multimedia source that has beautifully animated explanations of different genres, overviews, themes, and doctrines.
Personally, I’ve learned so much from Meredith Anne Miller’s approach to teaching families about faith and Scripture both on Instagram and her newsletter. I appreciate that she explores the difference between trustworthy and historically/scientifically accurate, that the Bible most importantly is true in it tells us who God is, who we are and how the world works. This was a comfort to my daughter last night. We talked about one of our favorite stories about the sand frog who drank all the water doesn’t necessarily need to have a physical frog in order to be a true account of how greed hurts everyone. And also that this is different from stories of Jesus where there were eyewitness accounts.
Scripture and it’s nature is a touchy subject (again, please don’t call the inquisitors yet!) but we can help our kids navigate how this sacred text interacts with history and our lives.
4. DON’T be afraid of messy feelings, our own and our family’s.
Faith conversations are hard. They just are. Our beliefs can sometimes feel like a house of cards where if one is challenged, the others tremble and potentially can fall. That can be scary for adults and for kids.
Messy experiences create memories. They travel up our muddy arms to our brains and our imaginations. The most important thing to remember is that messes aren’t dangerous. Are they uncomfortable? Absolutely. But if we can sit with the discomfort and be honest with our kids (“Yeah I don’t like feeling confused either. It makes my tummy feel weird.” “That Bible story makes me feel sad, too. I’ve had that same question you have” we can create a life-long experience of learning about God together.
Of all the emotions involved in hard questions, shame needn’t be one of them. We can be vulnerable with our kids that we ourselves are still figuring out how to follow Jesus but that we’re in it together and God loves us no matter what.
5. DO remember that love covers a multitude of sins/confusing ideas/uncertain beliefs/botched explanations.
A multi-year study about how religion is passed on through generations found that the biggest factor in our children and grandchildren believing in God isn’t clear apologetic teachings or great Bible teaching or robust traditions but family warmth.
“[Study author] Bengtson states up front that “the highest generational transmission [of religion from generation to generation] occurs in families with a high degree of warmth—particularly if the father is perceived as warm and close.”
In other words, being role models, taking the kids to church, being involved in church and having devotional activities at home are all good, but what really counts is what Bengtson calls “intergenerational solidarity or family cohesion.”’ (Footnote here).
In this complex, ever-changing world and faith landscape, it can be overwhelming to feel like we need all the answers to the toughest questions in order to have any relevance or legacy in the lives of our kids.
However, the most important faith activity we might do this week or year might be the silly song we learn on a long road trip, a secret handshake we teach the siblings, the blessing we recite at bedtime with a snuggle or celebrating a birthday with gusto.
Our kids might (probably will) disagree one day about what we know. However, they are more likely to embrace our beliefs and continue following Jesus if they know who they—and we—are.
What have you found helpful in answering hard questions or having nuanced faith conversations with family members of different ages?
