Navigating (Truthful) Thanksgiving With Our Kids
When my big kids were in preschool, our sweet school still did problematic Thanksgiving programs.
I mean regardless of the fact that my daughter was the cutest “Babbling Brook,” I’ve ever seen, this was 2017. Not that long ago. And I didn’t know how to engage my feelings about it then.
On the one hand, I could smile at my sweet child singing “Pow Wow,” “A Boy and A Girl in a Little Canoe” and “5 Little Pilgrims.” On the other hand, when I started to listen to the words, see our teachers (whom we love and respect) wearing Pilgrim and Indian costumes, and bring home feather headdresses out of construction paper, I had my sister in my mind.
At the time, she was living and working on an Apache Reservation in Mescalero, New Mexico. She lived there for ten years, worshipping with the Apache elders at her church, attending coming-of-age feasts of her former female students, being invited into homes and funerals, hikes and casino. She was the one who really made me change how I felt about traditional Thanksgiving.
She explained just how harmful these “cute” celebrations were to her neighbors; for example, feather headdresses (and feathers in general) are very honored symbols. Usually, the giving and receiving of them is reserved for military veterans, community leaders, special accomplishments or memorials. She explained that kids wearing paper feathers would be akin to someone cutting up the American flag to make a costume: very disrespectful depending on the context. Same went for names. These were sacred things given by the community, not a fun cultural connection for kids to glue on necklaces. Even the fact we had a “Native American Week,” made it sound like they were objects like Dinosaurs or Spiders and Insects (other themes that fall).
Even for a family who considers ourselves pretty culturally aware, it was a growing edge to learn how to navigate this with our young children. Now, I won’t spend too much time outlining what are best resources and how to properly teach the holiday—there are people much more experienced than me to whom I will link for your exploring (or for your kids, grandkids, nieces and nephews).
Instead, I wanted to share 5 ways we’ve found helpful in moving forward as a family when approaching a difficult holiday.
Our local Frontier Culture Museum doesn’t allow non-Native members to dress in traditional dress. Their Native American Heritage day is fabulous and interesting and folks come from several places in the East Coast to represent their familial tribes.
Commit to learning accurate history: It seems simple but I find it’s still hard. It feels uncomfortable to lose some of the myths that made up our childhood or that of our parents/grandparents. It can feel disrespectful or disorienting. It does to kids at times, too. Emphasize being a team, learning together and searching for resources that tell more of the story, explore another side of the story, or that deeply respect the story. Ask together, “Who’s story is missing here, and where could we find it?” Remind kids it’s okay to grieve what you wish you didn’t know or what you didn’t know, and that there’s no shame in learning new information that requires change. Like Maya Angelou said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”
2. Emphasize how two things can be true: This is one of the most powerful statements we’ve learned as a family in the last five years or so, in a variety of contexts. Two things can be true. We can celebrate and eat a fun feast and sing songs of thanks to God and we can understand that for some people, Thanksgiving can be painful because of ways that the peace shared those three days didn’t last in the “New” World. Two things can be true. We can love our country and question her, we can love our family traditions and choose new ones, we can be inspired by the faith of our ancestors who built lives here and grieve how much destruction happened by followers of Jesus.
3. Reiterate that Native Americans Are NOT extinct. Look for real-world examples of Native leaders in all spheres of life, in sports, politics, faith, medicine and more (and don’t forget Indigenous Latin Americans in the mix!). Two TV shows my kids enjoy are Molly of Denali and Spirit Rangers. Both were carefully created by Native tribe members and professionals and both show modern tribal families as well as their traditional roots. In one episode of Molly of Denali, the kids confront tourists about the fact that they don’t have to dress like they’re expected to in order to be truly Native. In this episode of Spirit Rangers, the kids powerfully remind adults dressing in headdresses that they are still here and not anyone’s mascots. It might seem obvious to us but especially kids need to be told Native Americans have been here for thousands of years but also that they are still part of our world and needed voices for especially our planet’s future.
4. Have the Awkward Conversations: Above is a picture from my second child’s Thanksgiving presentation. It wasn’t perfect, but it was definite progress. They still made necklaces but without the Native names, headbands without the feathers, a cute song performance without Pilgrim costumes. Instead, they focused more on what the kids were thankful for and time with family.
In the summer before school started, I had emailed the teachers when I knew they were having their planning session. I was so nervous and felt terrible. But wonder of wonder, no one died, we still have a great relationship, and some changes began! For all my searching, I couldn’t find my email to share here, but here’s what I recommend:
-Start with acknowledging how hard teachers or leaders are working and their care for kids
-Gently share why something is problematic for you, using language like, “I’ve recently learned…” and “I wonder if…” Also share what’s important to you using language like, “As a family, we’re trying hard to…”
-Share one or two resources you found helpful in your new understanding
-Offer to help in a specific way or to meet to talk more
-Thank them for listening and considering and re-emphasize you’re a team and also learning
5. Change the focus of the day to gratitude, gathering, and welcome.
I think my favorite way of redeeming Thanksgiving is focusing on what we say YES to, instead of just what is grievous. Thanksgiving is about two cultures who for three days ate and related to each other. From there, despite it’s myths and missteps, it’s become a time of coming home to each other, serving others, gathering in gratitude and welcoming others to our tables.
(My dad’s clapping in the blue)
Growing up in a bicultural home, Pilgrims and Indians didn’t have much appeal to our family, but eating and gathering sure did. My memory of Thanksgiving is that we always had at least one other family who was far from home. Usually it was Latin American friends and graduate students from a Latin American Student Community we were a part of monthly. Sometimes it was families of the ESL students my mom worked with at our schools. Sometimes it was eye-opening (sixth-grade me watching a family friend openly nurse her baby at the table while we ate turkey). Sometimes it was awkward (the year my dad was frustrated with my mom’s Somalian friends who ate with their hands). Almost always it was a beautiful mix of cultures (homemade guacamole next to stuffing next to flan) and funny stories over coffee.
We’ve gotten to host Eritrean friends here at our house and return to my parents where they still host our Guatemalan long-time family friends.
I think for our kids, we can both tell the truth and live a better way, expressing gratitude and invitation. We can share the bravery and compassion of the Wampanog people who didn’t let their neighbors die and spend time with our neighbors.
This year, what’s one way you could lean into one of these 5 ways? How will you more truthfully (and hopefully) celebrate Thanksgiving next week?
Above: Some books our family recommends!
Above: Recommendations for Exploring Indigenous Perspectives on God, Jesus, and the Church (for adults)
Resources to Check Out:
-Decolonizing Thanksgiving Kids Books with Raising Luminaries
-PBS Kids and Honoring Thanksgiving Story
-Perspectives from Native Educators About How to Celebrate
-Guide from National Museum of the American Indian On A Native American Perspective on Thanksgiving (made for grades 4-8 but good for grown ups, too :))
-A Rich Round-Up of Indigenous Books from The Conscious Kid
-Sample letters to use or adapt to approach a school or organization about their conversations around Indigenous people or tricky holidays
