Marriage Musings-Thirteen
Yesterday, these two absolute babies who had no idea what they were embarking on together celebrated thirteen years of marriage.
We’ve been through a complicated pregnancy, three babies (two of whom required major surgery to arrive and all whom were terrible sleepers), postpartum depression/anxiety times three, seasons of insomnia and anxiety, church conflicts, political upheaval, faith deconstruction and reconstruction, painful family conversations, job changes, moves, the effects of addictions both ours and others’, seasons of growth and joy, potty training and pandemic, intimacy and isolation.
We’ve weathered thrown tea and garden hoses sprayed in anger, broken promises, boundaries we didn’t know how to set, and keeping kids alive while we ourselves were growing up into maturity.
I can honestly say our marriage is the strongest it’s ever been, and that its been the most difficult and good work we’ve ever done.
Pandemic Anniversaries…including our big 10th which happened right in lockdown 2020
As a way of somehow condensing my thoughts into something manageable, I want to share thirteen things I’d share with our wide-eyed younger selves, thirteen years ago and through today. My hope is that others can receive something in these musings and think what they would share if given the chance, too.
Favorite wedding picture that sums up the posture in which we find ourselves most days. Photo credit: Mike Miriello Photography
Invest in the weighted blanket and the blackout curtains: Sleep will have a direct effect on how well you can navigate your relationships and responsibilities. There will be seasons when you’ll sleep in separate rooms because rest is hard. It doesn’t mean you don’t love each other. It makes it easier to love each other when you aren’t sleep deprived and unstable.
Learn the phrase “information not accusation:” This phrase will help stop countless fights that don’t need to happen. “Did you do the dishes? Information not accusation.” “I put away the tools you left outside. Information not accusation.” “That concept is really hard for me to believe. Information not accusation.” Memorize it and mean it when you use it.
Parts language will save your conflicts from becoming out of control: Learning internal family systems will revolutionize your explanations when emotions get loud. In Boundaries for Your Soul, Kimberly Miller and Alison Cook share how you can talk on behalf of our activated parts instead of through them. Instead of screaming, “I’m so mad you forgot to pick up that milk. You’re so self-absorbed,” you can say, “A part of me feels really mad that you didn’t pick up the milk. It feels uncared for…another part of me feels guilty for being mad. I’m wondering why you weren’t able to pick it up.”
4. Most everything you learned in Christian books about marriage and intimacy was unhelpful or even toxic: Just because the authors invoke the name of Jesus, a celebrated ministry, or an experienced teacher doesn’t mean what they write is healthy, researched-based, or what God intended.
This toxic teaching rubric by Sheila Gregoire and The Great Sex Rescue is incredibly thorough. It scores popular Christian books based on questions like, “Does the book acknowledge that porn use must be dealt with before a healthy sexual relationship can be built, while acknowledging that very few porn habits today are caused by a wife's refusal to have sex, or does it suggest that the remedy to a porn habit is more frequent sexual activity?” and “If the book mentions the importance of personal appearance/hygiene, does it put equal emphasis on both spouse's responsibility to the other, or does it only mention the importance of a woman staying physically attractive for her husband so he won't stray?”
If you would have had this type of critical lens when you were starting out your marriage you could have saved years of anxieties, addictions, misconceptions, and unfounded guilt and shame.
5. Know that some of the most fruitful things in life require the most support: You will learn this from a friend when you are experiencing postpartum wilderness and feel like your family is receiving way too many resources. Your marriage and your family are growing in beautiful and hard ways. Jesus gave us a whole BODY of believers instead of just his earthly body; he knew we’d need to be surrounded to survive and thrive.
6. The checkout line and vending machine are opportunities for connection: Expressing care and cherishing doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive. Your favorite way to show you’re thinking about each other has become throwing a quick favorite candy bar, drink or snack in our cart to bring home while you’re already doing your business (and then hiding it from the kids while you enjoy it).
7. The blessing prayed over you as you said your vows will continue to shape your lives more than a decade later:
May God bless you with discontent with easy answers, half-truths, superficial relationships, so that you will live from deep within your heart.
May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, abuse, and exploitation of people, so that you will work for justice, equality, and peace.
May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation and war, so that you will reach out your hand to comfort them and to change their pain to joy.
May God bless you with the foolishness to think you can make a difference in this world, so that you will do the things which others tell you cannot be done…Amen
“A Franciscan Blessing,” Sister Ruth Fox, OSB, Sacred Heart Monastery, Richarton, ND
8. It’s okay if he’s better at laundry and making breakfast and that you are more comfortable cooking and doing DIY projects: division of labor is good and healthy and will show your children that more than spouses, married partners are part of a community that gives, receives, mourns, celebrates, works and plays together.
9. Know what season you are in and that seasons will change: You may spend several years with a sleeping baby in your marriage bed. Someone might slip in between your cute kisses. You might go to weddings with a baby strapped to your back, naptimes might limit the ministry to neighbors you wanted to have together, family devotions might be loud and wiggly and not contemplative at all. What matters is who is in the season with you. You can long for a different season and simultaneously lean into the one you have.
10. Make the 3 Ps your priority and watch how you build a life, a family on mission: You’ll learn in discipleship material (here) that figuring out how to have and be spiritual parents, live into predictable patterns, and engage with the world with purpose like Jesus did are some of the most important ways you can grow as a family.
Spiritual parenting will mean us getting therapy and doing hard inner work while also being in covenant with a faith community and in accountable relationships with friends. It will mean finding mentors and putting your marriage in the midst of intergenerational relationships. Predictable patterns will mean you try for a date each month, a weekend away each year. You’ll watch movies on Fridays, visit with neighbors on Tuesdays, read together before bed, pray over your children’s dreams and your own worries. Purpose will energize you as you learn together about systemic racism, sexism, faith and science, injustice and church trauma. You’ll share podcast links with each other, work as a family to deliver meals, have hard conversations about the Bible with family members you would have never engaged on your own. These three priorities will create the life you love.
11. Grow in fun: In her book, The Power of Fun: How to Feel Alive Again, Catherine Price defines true fun as play+connection+flow. According to her research, the best benefits of fun are only unlocked when all three are present. Grow huge sunflowers and spend Saturdays building treehouses. Laugh during lovemaking (remember how one of your most memorable pre-marital counseling sessions was with a wonderful pastor who challenged you to include “playful” in your definition of sex?). Spend enough time singing to music on a road-trip that you get in sync and forget that you’re embarrassed by your dance moves.
12. Value Progress Over Perfection: On one anniversary trip, you’ll find a soapstone heart that is half-carved in a fair-trade artisan shop. It will come with a card that reads “Embrace the process of being a work in progress. It’s a commitment, not an excuse. ‘Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.-Maya Angelou.” You’ll have it on your shelf and keep the card in plain sight. Celebrate when you yell a little less before lowering your voice. Stop saying the thing when your spouse shares how much it activates their shame. Name that it took less time than before to tell the truth. Ask for the Holy Spirit to quiet your emotions long enough to try to offer grace instead of resentment. Ask the Holy Spirit to nudge you to know and empower you to do.
Our most recent anniversary on a daytrip away to Charlottesville.
13. Like Maren Morris says in her song, “when the bones are good, the rest don’t matter.”
Yeah, life sure can try to put love through it, but
We built this right, so nothing's ever gonna move it
When the bones are good, the rest don't matter
Yeah, the paint could peel, the glass could shatter
Let it break, 'cause you and I remain the same
When there ain't a crack in the foundation
Baby, I know any storm we're facing will
Blow right over while we stay put
The house don't fall when the bones are good
You’ll start off with one of you not being sure about attraction and chemistry and all that. But you’ll take a chance because if you can walk through slums in Costa Rica and interpreting on street corners, giant spider encounters, roadside breakdowns and exorcisms (long story) while still respecting each other’s leadership, it’s something special. You may not get it all right, and your faith, feelings, relationships, and roles may shift and change. However, if you rest in the goodness of partnership, the grace of God in providing through good and downright terrible times, and the beautiful web of your brothers and sisters and neighbors and children, you’ll be just fine.
I’d love to hear what you would add to a list like this. What do you gratefully remember or wish someone would have told a younger version of you and a loved one?
